A single comment

Wow...  we came across this comment block as we were cleaning up a project after firing the coder.

/* For you F%#king People who will be firing me soon...


F@*% You All.  F&#@ You All in your stupid elitest f%&king asses.


Yeah, you know what, I didn't go to college, sure but i can code rings around you motherf#&@kers.  You think you are so fancy and awesome because you can do calculus?  Guess what, it doesn't f*@#king matter.  This isn't like trying to hit a missile with a missile, we're writing some bullsh!t accounting code.  So just get over yourselfs.


To John: You are a rich, petty, overprivileged ass.  The only difference between you and a cast member of Jersey Shore is that they sometimes speak in complete sentences.


To Derrek: OMG FFF#**@KKKK YOOOUUUUU.  After that day when you made everyone in the office laugh at my shirt, I got you back.  How'd your coffee taste the next day, pal?  I jerked off into your "Worlds Best Dad" mug.


To Sarah: Sure your hot but your so f#*@king stupid you probably can't even spell it.  I can't decide if I'd rather stab you or shoot you.  Probably both.  Hope you're into necro, bitch.


To Ahmed: You're okay.  I just wish you weren't a f@*#king arab.


*/

{submitted by BDB}


Well, someone certainly needs to attend some anger management classes.  BDB noted that they sent the letter to the police and assures us that John, Derrek, Sarah, and Ahmed are unharmed.

Speaking of UML

(click the diagram to enlarge)

{submitted by GR}

Ed: I guess that whether or not this is actually 'good' UML is open to debate.  Regardless, this looks to have been an epic waste of time.

The Return of Mr. McManager

FROM: Mr. Douche McManager
TO: <developers>
SUBJECT: More Time Wasting


Minions,


  Seriously, all of these time wasting activities you people are pursuing are setting the project back weeks if not months.  This has got to end!  I was brought in here to make you people pick up the pace, not let you sit around and draw boxes and stick figures.  


  So, now that you have completely covered your cubicle walls in this Useless Moneywasting and Lollygagging crap, I'm pleased to inform you that there is a bounty on your heads.  Finishing this project has got to be a team effort, so, here's how we as a team are going to address this:


  Henceforth, anyone caught printing out Useless Moneywasting and Lollygagging documents will be written up.  Also, anyone who checks a printer tray and finds a Useless Moneywasting and Lollygagging document in it should turn it in for a $10 bonus on their next check each time they turn a set in to me or Larry ButtKisser.


That is all,


Mr. McManager


{submitted by A. Slaev}


Note from the author: The current HR policy is to collect all non-terminal write-ups within a 6 month period in the employee's jacket and act on them at the semi-annual performance review.  Because of this, groups of developers who had already been hunting for other jobs (and who thought they would be employed elsewhere within 6 months) began printing UML documents on purpose so they could turn each other in for the bonuses.  It didn't take Mr. McManager long to figure it out, but, not before $1300 in UML Stool Pigeon bonuses had been paid out.

A picture is worth 1000 hours of down-time...

  I recently started working at a small IT shop where there is a small side-business in web-hosting for a few clients.  I was introduced to the server closet but told that I probably wouldn't be working much on the servers, they have a sysadmin who takes care of that.  Indeed, it appears to be all taken care of.

  The top server is showing an orange status with an error code; who knows how long that's been there.  There are 3 large drinks (each half-full with liquid) from 3 different fast food places sitting on one of the server equipment shelves.  And that shelf is directly above another server (which is hella dusty), a fiberchannel array, and a big UPS.  The backup tape for Tuesday is sitting on top of the cups.  So, using my awesome powers of reasoning, I'm also able to tell you that it's been that way for at least a week (assuming that backups are still being made regularly).

Yeah, that sysadmin has got this situation under control.

Submitted by C.F.

Tiny URLs are so last decade.

Tired of all of that tinyURL crap?  Want to really have to type and/or copy-paste something, but annoyed with only having to type and/or copy-paste a few characters?  Well, Jeremy Mitchell has an answer for you!

Freaking Huge URL Generator

Here you can see that his extremely handy software has taken our pathetic 28 character URL and made us a mighty 1475 characters long!

SIZE MATTERS!

He's at it again!!

FROM: Mr. Douche McManager
TO: <developers>
SUBJECT: New Code Conventions

In order to increase the readability of the code that you people are turning out, we're going to have to implement some new code conventions.  I'm no idiot and used to be able to hang with the best of them back when I was writing cobol, but this java shit is nearly incomprehensible.  I've talked with Larry ButtKisser and we've come up with some new code conventions that will increase readability and promote accountability.

* In-line documentation

  Every line of code should be preceded by at least 1 line of commentary.  The line should, at a minimum, contain the following: The loginID of every developer who has edited that line of code and a little note saying what that line does.  The more in-line documentation there is, the better.

* Deleting lines of code

  No more deleting lines of old code, they should always be commented out instead with in-line documentation on who did the commenting and why it was done and what is replacing it.

* Variable Naming

  All of these long descriptive variable names are just wasting space and making the program bloat.  From now on, use sensible names like x, y, or i.  If you must use longer names, try to keep to 5 characters and under.  Of course, the real meaning of any shortened variable name should be noted in the in-line documentation for clarity.

These 3 simple changes should make the code much easier to read and maintain.  You people need to get on the ball! We are way behind schedule and I need to understand why and these changes should help.

That is all,

Mr. McManager


{submitted by A. Slaev}

Le Sigh

It's times like these that I'm convinced that some developers have read too much Kafka, but then I remember that most developers are busy reading Wrox books and XKCD instead and have no time for irony.

{submitted by tdc}

System.Text.StringDestroyer

string mszErrorMessage = "Error: " + "An Error Occurred In the " + "module (" + aexLocalException.Source + ")." + "\r\nPlease report this " + "error " + "to a system administrator." + "\r\nYou may not recover from " + "here " + "and must start the function (" + aszFunctionName + ") " + "over from the beginning.";


My only thought is that the author of this concatalicious line of code is severely overbuilding (so that parts of this message could be replaced with variables in the future) or that they have been smacked in the forehead with a hammer a few times by someone who was singing the praises of System.Text.StringBuilder while administering said hammer taps.

RFC3251 - Electricity over IP

Network Working Group

B. Rajagopalan
Request for Comments: 3251

Tellium, Inc.
Category: Informational

1 April 2002

                          Electricity over IP

Status of this Memo

   This memo provides information for the Internet community.  It does
   not specify an Internet standard of any kind.  Distribution of this
   memo is unlimited.

Copyright Notice

   Copyright (C) The Internet Society (2002).  All Rights Reserved.

Abstract

   Mostly Pointless Lamp Switching (MPLampS) is an architecture for
   carrying electricity over IP (with an MPLS control plane).  According
   to our marketing department, MPLampS has the potential to
   dramatically lower the price, ease the distribution and usage, and
   improve the manageability of delivering electricity.  This document
   is motivated by such work as SONET/SDH over IP/MPLS (with apologies
   to the authors).  Readers of the previous work have been observed
   scratching their heads and muttering, "What next?".  This document
   answers that question.

   This document has also been written as a public service.  The "Sub-
   IP" area has been formed to give equal opportunity to those working
   on technologies outside of traditional IP networking to write
   complicated IETF documents.  There are possibly many who are
   wondering how to exploit this opportunity and attain high visibility.
   Towards this goal, we see the topics of "foo-over-MPLS" (or MPLS
   control for random technologies) as highly amenable for producing a
   countless number of unimplementable documents.  This document
   illustrates the key ingredients that go into producing any "foo-
   over-MPLS" document and may be used as a template for all such work.

Read The Full RFC Proposal here!

None more black

FROM: Mr. Douche McManager
TO: <developers>
SUBJECT: Wasting Color Toner


I told you people to watch our toner budget and no one listened to me, so, now we are going to have to take steps to ensure that the situation is fixed.  I've told all of you repeatedly that the color toner is expensive and needs to be saved for reports and not used on code submissions.  And yet I continuously get all of these code submissions that are in a bunch of colors!  Yesterday, DougDev told me that he "can't help it" because the IDE colors the text that way for readability.  So, it's the IDE's fault?  Fine.


Henceforth, Devs should only use Notepad for coding.  Anyone caught using the IDE will be written up.  When someone figures out a way to keep the IDE from printing in color, we can talk about switching back.


That is all,


Mr. McManager

{submitted by A. Slaev}